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[Whose fault is that, exactly?

The first person to prove that they knew his secret. That they were taking advantage of it. Never thought to tell him what they knew, and made things so much worse, for months.

The first person to push him away.

Whose fault is that, exactly?]

Something happened.

At his most vulnerable moment, he was there.

[He didn't make it easy, though. He didn't make it clean, cutting into someone's heart and SOUL and cleaving them to pieces. He worked his way in, instead. Settled down to make himself cozy. Not for a short-term burst of cooperation. That's a level of patience their own Mirror could never achieve.]

[And then it makes sense.]

[It makes horrible sense.]

[Getting to the point where you'll hold onto anything or anyone. You get vulnerable, you get desperate, and someone takes advantage. Isn't that exactly what happened with Frisk?]

[Isn't that what happened a long time ago, with...]

[Well, it doesn't matter.]

[It's just...he's Mettaton. Sans figured all that confidence wouldn't allow for something like this. That Mettaton was...different. From him, from Frisk, from the rest of them.]

[It's like he always assumed about Papyrus. How he always convinced himself that Papyrus was just happy all the time because he was just--like that. And he is, but there's more to it than that. Of course there is. Of course even someone like Papyrus has off days, moments of vulnerability. Everyone does. Absolutely everyone.]

[He made it worse, didn't he? He made it worse. He ignored the warning signs--just like last time. Figured it was just himself, when he should know better by now. Should know it's never about him. He made assumptions, like he always does, and he made it worse.]

[He always makes it worse. Why the hell does he keep trying? Why the hell did he let Wonderland convince him that he should just keep trying? Who is he kidding? He has never done anything to make anything better here. Not a single thing.]

[Why can't he just give up again?]

what do we do

[He's asking them.

Why's he asking them? They can - they're the one with the special power, still. The one who knows everything. The one who, with what little power they have, can still make things right.

The one who can recognize when something's gone this catastrophically wrong, because they were on the other side of it, once.

What do we do?

What do we do?]

Don't

Don't push him.

Makes him easier to use if he feels like we don't really care

[They'd know. Wouldn't they?]

What's he want?

The mirror

i already did

i already messaged him and i pushed

[Oh god. Oh god, he's going to lose another one. He's going to lose someone else. It's happening all over again.]

[It's a Reset. It all keeps happening. It's never going to stop.]

[No. No, stop. It's not about you. It's not about you at all. It's about Mettaton. you didn't even save them for them, did you? Save Mettaton for Mettaton this time.]

[Only he can't save people. He doesn't save people. Even when he wants to, even when he actually tries.]

[Stop. Stop it. This isn't helping anyone.]

i don't know

he's a stalker, right?

stalkers want the person they're stalking all to themselves

he sounded really jealous when he messaged me.

It's ok.

It worked with me. It might not work with him.

[They were just one person, and there was Chara on his side, and everyone else who worked with him to keep them here - will they have to do the same, all over again? Just - on the other side?

Maybe things will never need to get that far.

Knowing, in the heart of it, that they'll have to.]

He doesn't want us near him.

We can't leave him alone. Even if he pushes back.

[But how does someone do this? How does he do this? He did it so wrong with Frisk. And no one ever did it with Sans back then, though someone--he can't remember who--someone tried. Someone tried, and it didn't work, and then it was too late for everyone and everything.]

[And he can't just ask Frisk. He can't just act like Frisk must have all the answers. They're thirteen, for god's sake. He's the adult, he's supposed to--he's supposed to know. He's the guy who knows. That's all he is. That's the point of him. He's not a real person, he's just...the guy who's supposed to know.]

so we make sure we're there for him

and the others will want to help

napsta, alphys

i know chara and metta are good friends

i don't know about toriel or asgore

and he must have non-underground friends too right?

[But who? God, why doesn't Sans know these things?]

[Other people he knows. Friends they haven't spoken to. Hearts that broke his that they didn't ask after, because what kind of friend are they?

One who pushes him too far. One who ends up hurting him, maybe more than anyone. Because how are they meant to be anything other than what they are - the one who pushes things to their limit, who tests every restriction, circumvents every boundary, breaks every Barrier, just because they can.

Because they can, they have to.]

Chara can help. He likes them.

yeah.

i've messaged chara and alphys already

but i dunno if chara's going to talk to me

if i can't do you mind letting them know what's going on?

[Chara might be the one best suited to this, which also isn't fair. Isn't fair to put that kind of burden on a kid. But maybe...Alphys would be best suited as well.]

alphys and chara together might be able to get through to him.

What? Why?

[Why hasn't...

No one's been telling them. No one's been telling them that any of this has happened, and they - it's fine, right? It's not any of their business. Shouldn't talk about someone who's listening, right? It's not - it's not their fault, if someone doesn't want them to know things, and when did they ever start feeling like it was their business to know things anyway? It's not their business. It's never - they shouldn't stick their nose in where it isn't wanted.

That's not how it works here.

Why can't they be better at that.]

[Ah, right. It's not like Frisk would know. Chara probably didn't see a reason to tell them, and Sans generally doesn't broadcast his interpersonal dramas.]

some stuff happened during the lab event

and they got mad at me. for good reason

i tried to sort things out afterward but...

i'm not really sure where we stand right now.

What happened

[The lab.

Chara wasn't okay, then. Things were uncomfortable, and they didn't feel as though they slotted into reality very well at all. Things got...strange, down there. Back home, and ongoing. They weren't right.

Of course something else went wrong.

Of course something else would have happened.]

[It's a little while before he answers.]

so

let me explain something first. just really quick.

i was

i was a weird kid

i was sick a lot. monsters don't really get sick but it was

i never really knew how else to describe it

long story short i was really weak

and i had no magic at all

and...any little thing could knock me on my butt and put me out of commission for days

so

chara found me in the lab and memoryhead was there

and it came up that

frisk i knew about the amalgamates

i'd been down there. alphys never knew

i broke in one time looking for her and i saw endogeny

i knew there were people stuck in that lab but i didn't know who they were, what they were or what had really happened

but either way, i never told anyone

they were down there and i did nothing

and chara

well you know

they're a better person than they pretend to be

they got angry

for knowing and just leaving them there, for invading alphys's privacy, for being afraid of memoryhead

all good reasons

and they started an encounter with memoryhead while i was there

i didn't really understand what was happening

but memoryhead reminded me of something

and being like i was at that age

well i kinda just

collapsed after dodging the first attack. and remembering what i remembered

everything's kind of a blur after that

i think i had some kind of seizure?

i really scared chara i think

probably scared memoryhead too.

so that's what happened.

[They remember.

They remember how he'd hidden among the foliage, when the adults came. Too weak to FIGHT. Couldn't risk it, when even a well-meaning grab could go wrong and reduce him to dust. He was hiding when they'd found him. Hiding from the Amalgamates, because even if they didn't mean to hurt anyone, even if an encounter could be harmless - it had the potential not to be.

Even the smallest potential can make things go wrong.

And he...

...]

You knew

[Lines. Lines in the code. Lines about are there any dogs inside I wouldn't rule it out lines about food dog food he had dog food in the shed and Alphys had a half empty bag half full bag you just thought of something funny you just remembered something funny it's so funny you can't stop

laughing.

They were mad.

They were mad that he knew they were mad that he knew but he - he knows everything. He knows everything. That's what he does. That's what he is. He knows everything. He knows - everything but Flowey, right? That was their fault. Ha ha. Their fault, like everything else is.

They were mad. They weren't just mad.

They must have been

scared.

He was in there. He was - did he see? Seeing something he shouldn't have seen? Turning away when every tape is done, knowing, in the pit of their snarled-up SOUL, that they weren't meant to be seeing this, the rosy cheeks, the flick of fur that signaled the presence of a soft white ear, the whispers of a plan that went horribly wrong.]

you saw

[They take awhile to respond, and when they do.]

[Ah.]

[Fucked it up again. Of course he did.]

[And now Frisk is going to hate him too.]

[Good. Good. That's probably how it should be.]

yeah

i saw endogeny

i knew there were people in there

and i did nothing

i never said a thing. not even to alphys

[Own it. Just own it. Don't try to worm out of it, because no one is above consequences, leas of all you. You deserve this. You deserve their hate, just like you deserve Chara's hate. Maybe this is finally it. Maybe he finally found a way to make Frisk stop forgiving him.]

[Maybe they can finally be free.]

[But what else did he see? What else does he know? If they say anything else - if they say it, maybe he'll figure it out. Just like Flowey. Just like Asriel. It all...it all bleeds together after a while, Snowdrake's mother whose SOUL sounded like a broken music box, smashed notes teetering out from a crumpled form melted into itself in an in-between of liquid and solid.]

you had dog food

you made a joke about dogs

[Is that what that was? Just...another joke? A lie? A shift in the world's fabric, ripped apart by too many RESETs? Papyrus's battle body being made for a costume party a few weeks ago, while simultaneously being the only outfit he's ever had. Gerson never being a hero, and having been an old war hero since the very beginning.

Timelines jumping right and left.

Starting and stopping.

That's your fault, isn't it?]

alphys asked me for dog food

i pretended not to know why

well

technically i didn't actually know that the creature i'd seen was made up of dogs

i kinda booked it as soon as i saw them

but that doesn't make it any better

doesn't excuse anything.

by the time you showed up i knew more, but not very much

enough for a stupid joke at least

frisk if

if you hate me now that's okay

if you never want to speak to me again i will understand

chara and i cleared the air some but i'm not sure they're going to speak to me either

and that's okay

you're both good kids

and you deserve better than this

[Why is everything like this?

Mettaton. The Mirrors. Sans and Chara, conspiring - no. Not conspiring. Helping them. Knowing best for them. The lab they can't remember the name of, even if it was written in the files. Because Wonderland took it, didn't it. It took the name, and maybe it took other things too. The things they can't help, the people they can't SAVE, a list of names of things they still can't piece together, jokes about dog food, jokes about bags half empty, jokes about bags half full, jokes about knowing Alphys because doesn't everybody, jokes about special attacks being capable of blowing you away only those jokes weren't always there, were they? Were they? Were they always there were those jokes always there or was it just something that shouldn't have been there and only was after the fact was it always there was there always a joke about dogs? There should have been. There were...instances, weren't there? Gray doors that didn't exist, small grayscale monster children who beg you not to think about things anymore, but feel much better about this when you bring them an umbrella. That didn't used to happen until it did until it did.

It's too much, all at once.

Too much, too fast.

It spills across the floor.

It spills

Across the floor.]

Please don't think about this anymore.

[And that's it.]

[That's it. He found their event horizon. He finally crossed the line. Finally found the thing they won't forgive him for.]

[That's good. That's good for them. He's glad.]

[He's glad.]

[He's.]

[Sinking to the floor. Sitting down.]

[His cat comes over to see what's wrong and Sans doesn't even see him.]

okay.

okay frisk. i got it.

that's good. that's good kid i'm really proud of you.

you're standing up for yourself. that's good.

[They're doing what's best for themselves, finally. And all it took was him letting them down one last time.]

so proud of you.

i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner

i'm sorry i let you down again.

whatever you want me to do, i'll do it.

whatever you think is best for you.

[He's...

What?

It doesn't make sense. What has he...what are they standing up for? To who? Why?

It's air burning in their throat, a heat prickling behind their eyelids, world on an axis askew. Air too cold, slapping against the back of their throat with each intake. What did they

Words spinning by but their fingertips are too distant, like moving fat water sausages pressing numbly into buttons, trying to hit something out. Trying to say something that makes sense, but reading and rereading and re-scanning the lines of text doesn't make them any clearer, doesn't magically align everything into a world where they can understand it, doesn't give way to an audible click of everything closing into place and finally being something they can understand. It doesn't because that's not how it works, here. Not how the real world is. Not how it should be. World doesn't bend itself to your whims anymore, doesn't rearrange itself to suit your preferences. So you don't understand everything. So you walk away not knowing what any of it means. The words shivering in their vision like ants marching across the screen of their phone.

Have to get up.

Ends up curled on bathroom tile. Stomach emptied, throat bitter with bile, heart still hot and thick in their throat, tongue feeling swollen.

Should've answered.

Should've...tried.

Answered.

Tried.

Answer.

Hits keyboard. Doesn't manage anything more than something fingers can't ERASE. Lines of something nonsensical flicking across a screen and then sent, vanished, impossible to turn back now.]

;fl;jk

[It's not the answer he expects.]

[He expected rules or something, like, don't ever contact me, if I ever need you, I will contact you first. And I won't. Or no answer at all.]

[This is.]

[Oh god. What did he do to them? What did he--]

[What did he do?]

frisk?

frisk are you okay?

[Are they okay?

Are you transmitting? Is anyone listening?

What does he mean? What does he mean? Why did he - what did they do? They did something they said something it wasn't right he - they messed up. Messed things up again, because that's what they do. Should've been better. Should've kept a level head in this. In all of this.

Can't breathe right, can't think right, can't do anything right. Just a mistake. Just a big, awful mistake. You were never supposed to exist, honey. You came along, and Mommy had to give up everything for you. Do you have any idea what that's like? Mommy could've had her Bachelor's by now if you hadn't messed everything up!

Accident. Just an accident.

How's a god supposed to be an accident? Never supposed to exist. Never supposed to be here, and they're - and he's proud of them?

What did they do?

What did they do?

Be better be better than this be better be better work harder so don't you dare start mumbling at me now and look at me when I'm talking to you.]

i don't understand

[Oh god. Oh god, he doesn't know what he did, but he made it worse. He always makes it worse, haha, god, he doesn't even need to try. It doesn't matter if he tries to make it worse, or tries to make it better, or doesn't try at all. Nothing matters. He just always, always, always makes it worse.]

frisk i'm sorry

i'm so sorry i don't know what

i think i misunderstood i don't

i'm sorry

are you okay?

do you want me to come over?

or leave you alone?

[Stop talking? Keep talking? Go hug them? Stay away from them? Start telling jokes? What does he do to stop making it worse? What does he do to stop?]

[Are you okay, Frisk?

I don't know.

What do you want, Frisk?

I don't know.

What did you ever want from all this, Frisk?

I don't know.

Why can't you just decide on what it is you want from us, Frisk? Why are you here? Why can't you shut up and behave and act like a normal child? Why are you being like this? Why can't you do something right for once, and stop being such a burden on everyone else? You look horrible; why are you even alive?

I don't know.

They ruined it.

They're sorry.]

he had a special attack

Ppayrus had a special attack

[He waits. And he waits. And he gets more and more afraid.]

[And then they answer. Papyrus's special attack? What does that have to do with anything?]

[He thinks he has an idea of what's happening, and that means--that means they need someone. They need someone there. Chara would be better suited, or Toriel, or Shepard, or just about anyone, but right now--]

[Well right now maybe he's all they've got. And if nothing matters, if everything you do just makes things worse, then--maybe you do the thing that makes things a little less worse than the others.]

frisk i'm coming over.

okay?

i'm coming over.

[And true to his word--not a very common thing, really--less than a minute later there's a knock at their door.]

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cw panic and emetophobia

fuck fuck fuck fuck

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