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[That's not just it.

It's not helping, but that's just the beginning. Just the starting point. The rest, the loop, the everything else, the heavy something-nothing, the ouroboric coil that will crush and kill everything trapped inside it - that's never changed. They've been the person who changes it. The anomaly. The fulcrum.

Aren't they?

Aren't they?]

Were they - were they blue attacks or blue attacks?

[They were always blue. But were they always blue a year into the trajectory, or more? Did they even go on for that long? How cruel does an anomaly have to be?

Beyond cruel. Beyond reasoning with. That's why he never tried. He knew from the start, that there's no pleasing some people. There's no making people happy. There's no talking down creatures like them, making them better, making them any less destructive. That's not what things like them deserve.]

There was a bag of dog food in your room. Was it -

Was it always there?

[There's blue in their voice now, and it's a little startling. He didn't know they could do that. He's heard red and yellow before, and that's it.]

i...

[He remembers an old argument. Light blue vs. cyan. How they were both right. It was a matter of semantics. The Doctor just liked things specific.]

[They were both right. Weren't they both technically right?]

the...first one, i think?

[His frown deepens somewhat at the mention of the dog food. Always? Doesn't that depend on the definition.]

no, i...i mean, not before you showed up, at least.

[He scratches the top of his skull.]

for your timelines, though, i think it was. i...

[It's that looming feeling, that world-coming-undone feeling again, and he looks up past Frisk, almost expecting to see the walls glitching. It hasn't happened in about a week now. The walls are just fine. It's faded. He's back to normal, whatever the hell that means.]

i'm sorry, kiddo, i guess...i guess i'm not really sure what you're asking.

[It's easier, when they've seen the world come apart in their head, now. Easier to see the numbers, the lines, the exact code of the color blue and to name it, pull it out and apply it like a paintbrush to canvas.

Was it always like that?]

Did something - something changed. Something changed and I didn't change it.

[A gray door, a spectral monster child standing at the edge of a pier. All those tidbits, those fragmented pieces of nothing, those memories that were formerly privy to none but people like Chara, like Asriel, those who could dig for it - they just showed up one day and...asserted themselves.

Didn't they?]

Colors. W-words. Papyrus said he had a...he had a special attack. It would've blown me away.

[But he didn't always say that.

He only always said that for a certain span of time. Didn't he?]

something...?

[Something changed. And they didn't change it. Honestly, Sans got so used to the feeling that if something like that happened, he probably just chalked it up to Resets. Or didn't notice at all.]

[A bag of dog food in his room that wasn't always there. Papyrus's special attack blowing them away. Odd choice of words. Something is one way, and then it's another way, and it was always both ways.]

i've...i know that feeling. or...i think i do. maybe. something like it.

[There was never another Royal Scientist. But there was. Sans never held down a job before sentry work. But he did. Something fundamental changes the timeline, and no one notices. Sometimes even the people directly involved.]

[If he didn't notice it this time, it must have been more fundamental than just the existence of a Royal Scientist and a handful of his Followers.]

it's different though, right? than just...the core changing something.

[His skull is starting to ache a little.]

[Sometimes you're not the one in control.

Should be better than that. Should know, should know when it happens. It's your responsibility. Unless there's something beyond that, beyond both of you. Someone who names the Fallen Human. Someone who knows to press [x] or [z] or - or whatever needs pressing.

It's different, somehow. Isn't it?]

He didn't say that before. And then he did. But he always said it.

[Is it just...the CORE? Is it just Frisk, being Frisk? Being incapable of functioning on every base level? Unable to handle any of it when it's thrown at them, even when they start asking for it?]

[He's supposed to be the guy who knows these things. But this? It's completely lost on him, aside from vague comparisons and memories of someone who never existed.]

i get it.

[He's quiet for a bit, hands in his pockets, staring at the floor.]

[He thinks of Zacharie.]

i remembered something...back during the dream event. i had a dream with zacharie in it. and he...did something.

[He won't get into the details unless Frisk asks.]

it made me remember something. something chara had said, that they reloaded over. i shouldn't be able to remember it.

[Shouldn't remember details like that. The dream dug it out somehow. Dug it out of the...]

it's another way to refer to the...old royal scientist. another way to--look at him. an aspect of him. i don't...uh. i don't want to say it out loud. don't want to make things worse.

[Frisk and Chara can say the names of sprites, can recite lines of code without much problem. But he doesn't think he's seen Frisk dig that deep since last year. And with how badly they're doing right now...it would just make it worse.]

you and chara have a way to refer to this stuff, don't you? the bones of the world.

[He gets it.

He knows, it's okay. He knows, he knows and remembers everything, or he knows enough, and it's going to be okay. It's normal. It's normal to feel like this. Nothing out of the ordinary. Memories going faulty, everything far too difficult, impossible even, to recall in full.

Something Chara said. The reloaded over it, and it was another way - an aspect.

An aspect.]

I saw it.

[A whispered admission, head bowing guiltily. They saw what they never should have, lines of dialogue and words unused, interspersed with a peppering of percentage signs and ampersands. Things that were left undone, incomplete.

Forever.]

When they...with the SPELL command. I saw it all.

[It's normal to feel this. It's normal for all of them, at least. They all feel this to some degree or another, every once in awhile.]

[He gives a quiet, tired sigh. All of it. The whole...heh. "Skeleton" of the thing.]

no wonder it affected you so much. seeing the, uh. the whole makeup of the world, all at once. it's...hell. it's a wonder you survived at all.

[He wouldn't have. He knows it for a fact. He doesn't think anyone would have, except Frisk and Chara. And maybe Asriel.]

[Most people are just too thoroughly built into the world to handle it.]

you're a strong kid. you know? incredibly strong.

[Shake their head, no. That's not...not important right now. Doesn't matter if they're strong, or whether or not that changes anything. It doesn't. If they were smarter, stronger, if they knew better - they wouldn't have done what they did on Halloween, and ruined everything.

Pushing hands through hair, and some of it clumps, sticking in between their fingers. Dribbles of their own sick caught in it, twisting and tangling.

Disgusting. You're disgusting. Why are you even alive?]

It's okay.

[That's not why. That's not why it's...that's not what they're talking about.]

I didn't used to see him. Him, and - and the gray monsters. Just sort of started happening.

Something changed.

[They dismiss it, because of course they do. He decides not to fight them on it. No point. Would make things worse. He's trying to do the less worse thing.]

so...the world was one way. then it was another way.

[A subtle shift. No one erased this time. It's...odd, actually. It was like that--like he was further away, almost completely gone. And then it was like he edged a little closer. Not by much, just a fraction.]

do you remember when?

[A moment of contemplation, brow furrowing, a worried knot etching deeper into the space between their eyebrows. Think, think. Try and remember. Another faint thump of one hand to the side of their head, grinding at their temple, but nothing jars loose.]

I don't know.

[Did it change like that for everyone? Just for them? What does everyone else remember? Did their dialogue shift too, universally? Do they know?

How can they know?]

Sorry.

[He wishes they wouldn't do that. He knows it's more a gesture of frustration, of trying to dig the knowledge out of their mind than one of wanting to hurt themselves. But it's still...uncomfortable.]

nah, kid, it's okay. you don't have to know everything. hell, it might be better if you don't. fewer numbers and...such crowdin' up that head.

[He's quiet for awhile, leaning more heavily against the wall.]

our world...don't make much sense. or, it does. it's got...internal consistency. it functions. it's built in such a way, and that works. but...being in wonderland, talking to all the other people here. certain things you'd think would be a universal constant just...aren't. no one talks about HP or DEF. and people talk about souls like they're just an idea.

[He pauses again, mulling things over, trying to put it all in a way that makes sense.]

there's a lot about our world that's strange. that i sure as hell can't understand. but...it's still our world. like i said. it can make sense to us. that's okay, right?

[An internal sense that doesn't translate, when applied across multiple worlds. Dean's frustration when they talk about stats, the blank looks on people's faces when they talk about SOULs. Shepard's quiet awe and disbelief when they pull out the little red heart as it glistens between their fingertips, Zacharie's inability to display something just as tangible.

It's a strange world they have. And tangled at the center if it is a lot of numbers that don't make sense. A Puppeteer who can alter things without anyone knowing. Consequences rendered inert, file names ERASED.]

What do you remember?

[There's something important. Something important about the lab, the one whose name has been scrubbed away.]

About the lab?

Edited 2017-04-18 20:24 (UTC)

[He's quiet for a bit, and he actually looks up to meet their gaze for a few long moments.]

it...depends what you mean. in the current state of things? going down there, seeing endogeny. quiet, empty halls. dim lighting... i must've gone back at some point to see the extractor. but i don't know when.

[Screens along the walls, but he never read any of them. Didn't spend enough time down there. Just enough to try and piece things together, of the course of timelines. Not that it ended up mattering.]

but before all that...the lab was something else. long, long before you showed up, before the flower. before alphys was the royal scientist.

[He doesn't know.

Unless he does, and just...never mentioned it. Never mentioned what else he might've seen, the other Amalgamates, the golden flowers, the seeds that just get stuck to you no matter what, the set of tapes and an old television set.]

What else?

[There has to be an else. It's Sans. It's Sans, and he knows - he knows everything, doesn't he? He has his finger in every pie. He knows enough about everything to know how the world works, how he's supposed to be wound around it all. He knows about reports, and anomalies, and what a SAVE does, and how a RESET changes everything.

He knows.

He knows because he's Sans, and whenever he says he doesn't - it's never for sure.]

[What else. There's always an else. There's always supposed to be an else with him. He convinced two kids that he knew everything, and he convinced them too damn well to ever suggest otherwise.]

[It's exhausting. It's exhausting trying to figure out what they expect him to know, it's exhausting trying to know it all, it's exhausting playing catch-up, trying to explain that he doesn't know this or that thing and being told he must be lying. And it's all his own goddamn fault. He did this to himself. He has no one else to blame.]

[Chara will never believe or trust him, but sometimes he lets himself forget that Frisk is the same way.]

[He scrubs at his face, bone rasping against bone.]

it used to belong to the old royal scientist. but it was different then. bigger. there was more of us. i don't remember all that much from back then. just some moments, some stuff that happened. stuff we were working on. the layout completely changed after...everything. so. nothing from back then is really relevant to how the lab is now, except for a few things alphys must have found.

[Blueprints and who even knows what else.]

this is the same thing chara was so afraid of, isn't it?

Don't talk about them like that.

[None of it leads back to what they must have been afraid of. The same thing Chara was so afraid of. Because he couldn't help but dig deeper, couldn't he? For all the outrage at how Frisk had sunk their claws into something they weren't supposed to see and dug out all those "bones of the world," for all the danger they talked about, he's been doing the same thing, hasn't he?

Should they be surprised, really?

They're being mean. Aren't they?

Everyone said they never wanted the angel anyway.]

Is there anything you don't know?

[He forgets this, sometimes, also. That Frisk can be assertive. They can put their foot down.]

[He stares at them.]

like what? talk about them like what? i don't get it. i don't--what am i supposed to know, frisk? what am i supposed to know that's so damn scary? i don't know everything. i just pretended to. i'm just good at guessing. good at observing.

[What's the point of arguing? They're not going to believe him.]

so i'll tell you what i've managed to guess and observe. it wasn't about alphys. it wasn't about the amalgamates. it was specifically about having seen the lab before that made chara so upset. that made you so upset. so there's something in there that ties back to chara. and whatever it is, i don't know it. i don't know it at all. i assumed it was because it's where the flower was made, but i guess that's not it. i don't know it, and i don't want to. i don't care. it's none of my business. done enough of digging into you kids' lives, haven't i? done enough actively ruining things. but that's just me, i guess. got no one to blame but myself. i'm the one who acted like i somehow had my thumb on the pulse of the whole world. well. never really have anyone to blame for anything but myself.

[He goes quiet, staring off to the side now, expression neutral, everything about him as neutral and uncaring as it always is. Because it would all have been so much better, so much easier, if he had really just not cared for real.]

...i'm sorry.

[He's just good at guessing. Good at connecting the dots. Just really good at that, and that's just...how it is. Don't question the adult, Frisk. He knows best for you, and it's fine. He knows best, and he doesn't ask questions, because he doesn't need to. He figures out what he needs to know, and then he knows.

Just like how he knew it was better not to ask. Never to ask them. Why would he? He's Sans. He never has to.

He just takes what he needs from the people he knows. Takes their words, takes their actions. And it's okay. It's all just -

Fine.

Because they're family.

That's how it's always been, with family. Why would it ever be any different?

So...nod. Bow your head. Be a good child. Don't talk back. Go to your room.]

Okay.

[He shakes his head.]

no. you don't have to do that. you don't have to pretend to believe me. you don't have to pretend it's okay when it's not.

[Hypocrite.]

if i know everything, don't you think i'd know what to say here to make this right? but i don't. got no idea.

[He's making this worse. But if that's all he's ever going to do, no matter what he does, no matter what he says, no matter what he doesn't do or say--then why stop now?]

[He's not looking at them. He's talking to thin air.]

i didn't want to lose either of you again. but i already had. i just...fooled myself into thinking i could be the kind of person that was...was at all worthy of you two. i never had your trust to begin with, because i never earned it. not in a year and a half. didn't do a single thing right by either of you, did i?

[So why does he keep trying?]

[Why even try?]

[They'd all be so much better off without him.]

you're allowed to hate me, you know. you're allowed to get angry at me. you're allowed to never want to speak to me again. i just...i don't know what to do, kid. i don't know what you want.

so. like i said before. whatever you want me to do? just tell me. i'll do it.

[He keeps talking. It's - they should be listening. Should be better at listening. But it's all gone on for so long, leaving them with a glazed-eye exhaustion, and nowhere to take it. Pull up an ACT menu. Forgive him, or do not.

They can't make choices like that right now. He pulls back and says they have to be...better. Be better than this. Be better than the person who forgives everyone, be better than the angel no one wants or wanted. Even now, they're still messing things up. Still not being what they're supposed to be. Still not acting right.

Sorry.

They're sorry.]

...I can't do that.

[They can't do that. Because that's a lot of pressure to put on a kid, and he knows it, and there is literally nothing he can do to make any of this better. For them, for anyone.]

[It doesn't matter anyway. It's over. Like it was over with Chara. Like it's going to be over with most people.]

okay.

[He pushes off from the wall.]

then let's just focus on mettaton for now.

[He heads to the door.]

sorry for everything, frisk. you know where to find me.

[And he's gone.]

[Just focus on Mettaton. Help him, and make sure his Mirror isn't doing anything he shouldn't. Keep him safe. Try and SAVE the people who still need SAVING. Or who will even let you SAVE them.
You try.
They ruined it.
And you try.
It's what they do.
And it'll never be good enough.
He's gone, and there's nothing anyone can do but sit there, and think about what they've done.]

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