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What happened

[The lab.

Chara wasn't okay, then. Things were uncomfortable, and they didn't feel as though they slotted into reality very well at all. Things got...strange, down there. Back home, and ongoing. They weren't right.

Of course something else went wrong.

Of course something else would have happened.]

[It's a little while before he answers.]

so

let me explain something first. just really quick.

i was

i was a weird kid

i was sick a lot. monsters don't really get sick but it was

i never really knew how else to describe it

long story short i was really weak

and i had no magic at all

and...any little thing could knock me on my butt and put me out of commission for days

so

chara found me in the lab and memoryhead was there

and it came up that

frisk i knew about the amalgamates

i'd been down there. alphys never knew

i broke in one time looking for her and i saw endogeny

i knew there were people stuck in that lab but i didn't know who they were, what they were or what had really happened

but either way, i never told anyone

they were down there and i did nothing

and chara

well you know

they're a better person than they pretend to be

they got angry

for knowing and just leaving them there, for invading alphys's privacy, for being afraid of memoryhead

all good reasons

and they started an encounter with memoryhead while i was there

i didn't really understand what was happening

but memoryhead reminded me of something

and being like i was at that age

well i kinda just

collapsed after dodging the first attack. and remembering what i remembered

everything's kind of a blur after that

i think i had some kind of seizure?

i really scared chara i think

probably scared memoryhead too.

so that's what happened.

[They remember.

They remember how he'd hidden among the foliage, when the adults came. Too weak to FIGHT. Couldn't risk it, when even a well-meaning grab could go wrong and reduce him to dust. He was hiding when they'd found him. Hiding from the Amalgamates, because even if they didn't mean to hurt anyone, even if an encounter could be harmless - it had the potential not to be.

Even the smallest potential can make things go wrong.

And he...

...]

You knew

[Lines. Lines in the code. Lines about are there any dogs inside I wouldn't rule it out lines about food dog food he had dog food in the shed and Alphys had a half empty bag half full bag you just thought of something funny you just remembered something funny it's so funny you can't stop

laughing.

They were mad.

They were mad that he knew they were mad that he knew but he - he knows everything. He knows everything. That's what he does. That's what he is. He knows everything. He knows - everything but Flowey, right? That was their fault. Ha ha. Their fault, like everything else is.

They were mad. They weren't just mad.

They must have been

scared.

He was in there. He was - did he see? Seeing something he shouldn't have seen? Turning away when every tape is done, knowing, in the pit of their snarled-up SOUL, that they weren't meant to be seeing this, the rosy cheeks, the flick of fur that signaled the presence of a soft white ear, the whispers of a plan that went horribly wrong.]

you saw

[They take awhile to respond, and when they do.]

[Ah.]

[Fucked it up again. Of course he did.]

[And now Frisk is going to hate him too.]

[Good. Good. That's probably how it should be.]

yeah

i saw endogeny

i knew there were people in there

and i did nothing

i never said a thing. not even to alphys

[Own it. Just own it. Don't try to worm out of it, because no one is above consequences, leas of all you. You deserve this. You deserve their hate, just like you deserve Chara's hate. Maybe this is finally it. Maybe he finally found a way to make Frisk stop forgiving him.]

[Maybe they can finally be free.]

[But what else did he see? What else does he know? If they say anything else - if they say it, maybe he'll figure it out. Just like Flowey. Just like Asriel. It all...it all bleeds together after a while, Snowdrake's mother whose SOUL sounded like a broken music box, smashed notes teetering out from a crumpled form melted into itself in an in-between of liquid and solid.]

you had dog food

you made a joke about dogs

[Is that what that was? Just...another joke? A lie? A shift in the world's fabric, ripped apart by too many RESETs? Papyrus's battle body being made for a costume party a few weeks ago, while simultaneously being the only outfit he's ever had. Gerson never being a hero, and having been an old war hero since the very beginning.

Timelines jumping right and left.

Starting and stopping.

That's your fault, isn't it?]

alphys asked me for dog food

i pretended not to know why

well

technically i didn't actually know that the creature i'd seen was made up of dogs

i kinda booked it as soon as i saw them

but that doesn't make it any better

doesn't excuse anything.

by the time you showed up i knew more, but not very much

enough for a stupid joke at least

frisk if

if you hate me now that's okay

if you never want to speak to me again i will understand

chara and i cleared the air some but i'm not sure they're going to speak to me either

and that's okay

you're both good kids

and you deserve better than this

[Why is everything like this?

Mettaton. The Mirrors. Sans and Chara, conspiring - no. Not conspiring. Helping them. Knowing best for them. The lab they can't remember the name of, even if it was written in the files. Because Wonderland took it, didn't it. It took the name, and maybe it took other things too. The things they can't help, the people they can't SAVE, a list of names of things they still can't piece together, jokes about dog food, jokes about bags half empty, jokes about bags half full, jokes about knowing Alphys because doesn't everybody, jokes about special attacks being capable of blowing you away only those jokes weren't always there, were they? Were they? Were they always there were those jokes always there or was it just something that shouldn't have been there and only was after the fact was it always there was there always a joke about dogs? There should have been. There were...instances, weren't there? Gray doors that didn't exist, small grayscale monster children who beg you not to think about things anymore, but feel much better about this when you bring them an umbrella. That didn't used to happen until it did until it did.

It's too much, all at once.

Too much, too fast.

It spills across the floor.

It spills

Across the floor.]

Please don't think about this anymore.

[And that's it.]

[That's it. He found their event horizon. He finally crossed the line. Finally found the thing they won't forgive him for.]

[That's good. That's good for them. He's glad.]

[He's glad.]

[He's.]

[Sinking to the floor. Sitting down.]

[His cat comes over to see what's wrong and Sans doesn't even see him.]

okay.

okay frisk. i got it.

that's good. that's good kid i'm really proud of you.

you're standing up for yourself. that's good.

[They're doing what's best for themselves, finally. And all it took was him letting them down one last time.]

so proud of you.

i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner

i'm sorry i let you down again.

whatever you want me to do, i'll do it.

whatever you think is best for you.

[He's...

What?

It doesn't make sense. What has he...what are they standing up for? To who? Why?

It's air burning in their throat, a heat prickling behind their eyelids, world on an axis askew. Air too cold, slapping against the back of their throat with each intake. What did they

Words spinning by but their fingertips are too distant, like moving fat water sausages pressing numbly into buttons, trying to hit something out. Trying to say something that makes sense, but reading and rereading and re-scanning the lines of text doesn't make them any clearer, doesn't magically align everything into a world where they can understand it, doesn't give way to an audible click of everything closing into place and finally being something they can understand. It doesn't because that's not how it works, here. Not how the real world is. Not how it should be. World doesn't bend itself to your whims anymore, doesn't rearrange itself to suit your preferences. So you don't understand everything. So you walk away not knowing what any of it means. The words shivering in their vision like ants marching across the screen of their phone.

Have to get up.

Ends up curled on bathroom tile. Stomach emptied, throat bitter with bile, heart still hot and thick in their throat, tongue feeling swollen.

Should've answered.

Should've...tried.

Answered.

Tried.

Answer.

Hits keyboard. Doesn't manage anything more than something fingers can't ERASE. Lines of something nonsensical flicking across a screen and then sent, vanished, impossible to turn back now.]

;fl;jk

[It's not the answer he expects.]

[He expected rules or something, like, don't ever contact me, if I ever need you, I will contact you first. And I won't. Or no answer at all.]

[This is.]

[Oh god. What did he do to them? What did he--]

[What did he do?]

frisk?

frisk are you okay?

[Are they okay?

Are you transmitting? Is anyone listening?

What does he mean? What does he mean? Why did he - what did they do? They did something they said something it wasn't right he - they messed up. Messed things up again, because that's what they do. Should've been better. Should've kept a level head in this. In all of this.

Can't breathe right, can't think right, can't do anything right. Just a mistake. Just a big, awful mistake. You were never supposed to exist, honey. You came along, and Mommy had to give up everything for you. Do you have any idea what that's like? Mommy could've had her Bachelor's by now if you hadn't messed everything up!

Accident. Just an accident.

How's a god supposed to be an accident? Never supposed to exist. Never supposed to be here, and they're - and he's proud of them?

What did they do?

What did they do?

Be better be better than this be better be better work harder so don't you dare start mumbling at me now and look at me when I'm talking to you.]

i don't understand

[Oh god. Oh god, he doesn't know what he did, but he made it worse. He always makes it worse, haha, god, he doesn't even need to try. It doesn't matter if he tries to make it worse, or tries to make it better, or doesn't try at all. Nothing matters. He just always, always, always makes it worse.]

frisk i'm sorry

i'm so sorry i don't know what

i think i misunderstood i don't

i'm sorry

are you okay?

do you want me to come over?

or leave you alone?

[Stop talking? Keep talking? Go hug them? Stay away from them? Start telling jokes? What does he do to stop making it worse? What does he do to stop?]

[Are you okay, Frisk?

I don't know.

What do you want, Frisk?

I don't know.

What did you ever want from all this, Frisk?

I don't know.

Why can't you just decide on what it is you want from us, Frisk? Why are you here? Why can't you shut up and behave and act like a normal child? Why are you being like this? Why can't you do something right for once, and stop being such a burden on everyone else? You look horrible; why are you even alive?

I don't know.

They ruined it.

They're sorry.]

he had a special attack

Ppayrus had a special attack

[He waits. And he waits. And he gets more and more afraid.]

[And then they answer. Papyrus's special attack? What does that have to do with anything?]

[He thinks he has an idea of what's happening, and that means--that means they need someone. They need someone there. Chara would be better suited, or Toriel, or Shepard, or just about anyone, but right now--]

[Well right now maybe he's all they've got. And if nothing matters, if everything you do just makes things worse, then--maybe you do the thing that makes things a little less worse than the others.]

frisk i'm coming over.

okay?

i'm coming over.

[And true to his word--not a very common thing, really--less than a minute later there's a knock at their door.]

[No answer.

It's not a very easy thing, right now. The bathroom tile is cold, and their breath stinks of bile, and who would want to see them, looking like this? Hair a mess, sticking to their cheeks and their forehead, and if he's coming, then they - they'll have to make things a little better. It takes a wobbling lurch of motion, but they depress the handle that flushes the remnants of their dinner away in a wet gurgle, tottering to their feet, trying to iron away the glaze to their eyes, the glassy trail sloping down one cheek, with the butt of one palm grinding into their eyesocket.

It's not nearly enough time. There's a knock at the door, and their legs still feel jellylike, knees trembling like they might fold over at any moment.

Trip-stumble for the door, and the knob might as well be a foreign contraption for how much coordination it takes to twist and open, but eventually it does.]

[He waits. Tries to grab hold of that patience of his, use it to calm himself down. He doesn't fidget, because he's not a fidgeter, not at this age. Every so often, though, he wishes he was.]

[Eventually they open the door.]

[This isn't the first time he's seen them like this. There's a faint, acrid smell in the air.]

[He stares at them, looking them over for any injuries or any further signs of distress. They look exhausted, they look drained, they look a thousand miles away, but they're not bleeding at least. At least.]

[Then he meets their eyes, or tries to.]

papyrus has a special attack.

[That's stupid. That's completely inane. Why is that the first thing that comes to mind? Yes, he has a special attack, he's always had a--]

[He always has, right? Of course.]

never seen it, though. that pup stole it more often than not. plus he wanted it to be a secret. wanted it to be a surprise for when he finally met a human. at least--that's my version.

[He searches their face for a moment.]

are you...?

[Don't ask questions you already know the answer to, Sans.]

i'm...sorry, kiddo. did i set you off?

[Papyrus has a special attack.

He starts things off from where they fragmented. Probably...for the best, right? Smart to do that. Picking this up where they left off. Talking about what needs to be talked about. The special attack, meant to be a surprise, a secret, a last resort, maybe. If the Glove dropped, abandoned in the snow, and they staggered forward into his arms with the metallic taste of dust flecking their lips, and he said that if he'd used his special attack - ]

He said it - it would've blown me away.

[Everything else falls to the wayside. Not important. Not as important as this, as understanding this.]

He didn't always say that. Did he?

[It's this again. Coming up against the edges of reality, finding the hems and digging in through the threads. So this isn't...really about Sans at all. This is more...what do the kids keep calling them?]

[The bones of the world.]

[He's not sure how they got to this point, but at least it's not about him. At least not in an immediate sense.]

[He very carefully steps into their room, slow enough that they can stop him and tell him to leave if they want. Giving them plenty of space to breathe.]

blown you away?

[Papyrus said that? Which timelines were those in? Sans doesn't remember that at all. He just...remembers Papyrus being secretive and excited, like he used to do when he was a kid and he'd found a really cool bug or something that he was waiting for the right time to show to everyone. Sans assumed it would be some kind of hyper-complex bone attack, combining both types of blue magic--something awe-inspiring.]

i...don't know, kid. he must say that when i'm not around, because i don't remember.

[His soul is still thrumming, but it's coming down. He's coming back down. Funny how that works; you turn your attention to someone else, and somehow it helps you in return.]

You made a joke. A joke about dogs inside the -

[Inside the...in the bottom level. The dark one. The - the one whose name they can't remember. A small, pained noise rasps out from their throat, hands raking up through their hair.

Rick had been so angry.

They're starting to see why.]

It took it. It took the name. The - the place where the Amalgamates were, it took the name of it, I can't remember.

[Hand balling up into a fist, the heel of their palm striking at their temple, as if that might be enough to jar everything loose, the shards of something forgotten, something that can't ever be retraced or retrieved. Words, names of places, names of things that have been taken from them.

Is that what happens to people who stay?

How long until they lose - everything?

Does it matters? Does any of it, does any of it matter if it's just them remembering it?]

yeah...i...i remember that.

[Ah, so that's it. That's what set this off. Endogeny. Papyrus...what was it he had said? He'd asked about the...ah, the lab. Yeah, okay. Play on the word "lab," sure. He's told that joke plenty of times, over plenty different timelines.]

[He has, right? In a lot of them at least.]

[Frisk is struggling. He knows this feeling really well, the feeling of trying to grasp at a word or a concept and only being able to brush the surface. Something the Resets drag away, and he's left with lines of the script and some vague impressions.]

yeah, i know. alphys's lab. the--hey. don't do that.

[They hit themselves and he flinches a little.]

try not to do that, okay? it won't really...help. but, yeah. i don't know if there was ever an official name for it. or maybe you gave it one.

[He leans back against the wall, since that seems safest. Gives them plenty of room to pace, puts him at the edge of things, out of their way, less of an intrusion. And he doesn't have to stand up all the way.]

we lost something in the flood event, too. about time. how it moves in circles. [He pauses and sighs.] i get how you feel. at least it's just the words. not the concepts behind them.

[That's not just it.

It's not helping, but that's just the beginning. Just the starting point. The rest, the loop, the everything else, the heavy something-nothing, the ouroboric coil that will crush and kill everything trapped inside it - that's never changed. They've been the person who changes it. The anomaly. The fulcrum.

Aren't they?

Aren't they?]

Were they - were they blue attacks or blue attacks?

[They were always blue. But were they always blue a year into the trajectory, or more? Did they even go on for that long? How cruel does an anomaly have to be?

Beyond cruel. Beyond reasoning with. That's why he never tried. He knew from the start, that there's no pleasing some people. There's no making people happy. There's no talking down creatures like them, making them better, making them any less destructive. That's not what things like them deserve.]

There was a bag of dog food in your room. Was it -

Was it always there?

[There's blue in their voice now, and it's a little startling. He didn't know they could do that. He's heard red and yellow before, and that's it.]

i...

[He remembers an old argument. Light blue vs. cyan. How they were both right. It was a matter of semantics. The Doctor just liked things specific.]

[They were both right. Weren't they both technically right?]

the...first one, i think?

[His frown deepens somewhat at the mention of the dog food. Always? Doesn't that depend on the definition.]

no, i...i mean, not before you showed up, at least.

[He scratches the top of his skull.]

for your timelines, though, i think it was. i...

[It's that looming feeling, that world-coming-undone feeling again, and he looks up past Frisk, almost expecting to see the walls glitching. It hasn't happened in about a week now. The walls are just fine. It's faded. He's back to normal, whatever the hell that means.]

i'm sorry, kiddo, i guess...i guess i'm not really sure what you're asking.

[It's easier, when they've seen the world come apart in their head, now. Easier to see the numbers, the lines, the exact code of the color blue and to name it, pull it out and apply it like a paintbrush to canvas.

Was it always like that?]

Did something - something changed. Something changed and I didn't change it.

[A gray door, a spectral monster child standing at the edge of a pier. All those tidbits, those fragmented pieces of nothing, those memories that were formerly privy to none but people like Chara, like Asriel, those who could dig for it - they just showed up one day and...asserted themselves.

Didn't they?]

Colors. W-words. Papyrus said he had a...he had a special attack. It would've blown me away.

[But he didn't always say that.

He only always said that for a certain span of time. Didn't he?]

something...?

[Something changed. And they didn't change it. Honestly, Sans got so used to the feeling that if something like that happened, he probably just chalked it up to Resets. Or didn't notice at all.]

[A bag of dog food in his room that wasn't always there. Papyrus's special attack blowing them away. Odd choice of words. Something is one way, and then it's another way, and it was always both ways.]

i've...i know that feeling. or...i think i do. maybe. something like it.

[There was never another Royal Scientist. But there was. Sans never held down a job before sentry work. But he did. Something fundamental changes the timeline, and no one notices. Sometimes even the people directly involved.]

[If he didn't notice it this time, it must have been more fundamental than just the existence of a Royal Scientist and a handful of his Followers.]

it's different though, right? than just...the core changing something.

[His skull is starting to ache a little.]

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cw panic and emetophobia

fuck fuck fuck fuck

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