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you're still kids

you still have a chance to be kids.

[Of course they think they're a demon, too. Did they come up with that on their own? Or did they learn it from Chara? It doesn't matter.]

i don't know about the ones on the surface back home

but the ones i've met here don't seem so bad

i think they're just people

some of them are good, some of them are bad

most of them are in the middle

just like monsters, really

[Though maybe that really isn't the case back home. Maybe humans really are all terrible. They sent children off to die, didn't they?]

i'm just

heh

you know me

i'm not good at talking about myself

and you just already have yourself and chara to look after

alphys gets it too

and asriel must have

i don't know.

[Maybe more people get it than they realized. Not timelines and Resets, but...this. Feeling like this.]

* Only the fearless made proceed.
* Brave ones, foolish ones.
* Both walk not the middle road.

That was on a sign in the RUINS. I don't know why I thought of it just now. I guess it's true. At least when it comes to humans.

The Librarby said that human SOULs don't need love or compassion to exist. I know they're not all bad. But they can be bad way easier than monsters can. And they can pretend to be good. I pretend to be good all the time. It's so easy. I hate it.

[Yeah. They can be kids still, huh? Even if they won't EVER be happy. Sometimes it feels like they can brush against something like that, achingly close to feeling like a kid, when they're doing something stupid like throwing ketchup at Sans's window or dancing at an old-fashioned party. Chara. Chara. It hurts how much they want that. How much they've always wanted it.]

I can LOAD a lot of things away, Sans.

I can't LOAD back to a time when I had a childhood.

[It's almost familiar. Like something out of a history book. History was never his strong suit.]

maybe you're right.

[He's no expert on humans. And he's too tired to argue.]

i know you don't think you're a good person

but you do know there's good in you, right?

you know it's not always an act?

because you're being good right now

talking to me, being honest

putting up with some lazy jerk who probably doesn't deserve it, heh

stopping chara from going through with it

all that stuff

[He's just repeating himself, though. And suddenly it sort of...hits him. This is what he does with Papyrus. This is what he did when Frisk said he was a good person. Maybe this is just part of going through all this bullshit. Maybe this is just part of feeling this way about yourself. People can tell you over and over and over and over that you're good, or cool, or not a burden, or a great brother, or a good person, and you just can't believe it. And it's not that you think they're lying. It's nice that they believe it. You just don't. You can't.]

it's really hard, right?

to, uh. see what's good about yourself

to see any sort of

yanno

redeeming qualities

like it feels like everything you see is just awful.

[Like you're fooling everyone.]

and i'm

i'm so sorry frisk

you deserved better

kids always deserve better

i get it

even getting that chance to finally be a kid, it just doesn't really...feel quite right

right?

it feels like you're trying to force something or

that it's just too late

there's no getting it back

sometimes you get to feel it for real, though

but

nothing fully makes up for it

i'm sorry

You're not a jerk, Sans. You're tired. We all get tired.

[They feel tired now. Even more than usual. Tired and teary-eyed, because that's the one thing they never grew out of. Being a big dumb crybaby. Dragging people's attention back to them.

This is why they think they prefer text. This is why they think Sans might prefer it too. Allows that barrier. Allows you to organize your thoughts before you say them.]

I guess you're right. What's wrong with us?

That was a joke. I mean I know what's wrong.

But if you need someone to remind you that you're a good person, you can talk to me. I mean I know you won't just believe it like that. Maybe people like us will never believe it. But maybe hearing it will help or something.

I don't know.

Never mind. It's a stupid offer.

[Yeah. Tired. No wonder they all just want to rest. Want to disappear for a little while.]

[And it's true. This is a thousand times easier than it would be if they were face to face. Not that he particularly thinks talking about any of this was a good idea, or even a healthy one, but it's still...easier. Even if it means his thumbs are getting tired. In person they probably both would have frozen up or distracted themselves or changed the subject.]

heh

wonder if we'll ever figure it out.

[If there's any such thing as "better." Not "okay," not "easier," but actually "better." He gave up on better a real long time ago, but that doesn't mean that better in and of itself doesn't exist somewhere.]

no yeah i uh

maybe

i mean the offer in and of itself is nice

and you know you can always do the same

sometimes hearing it does help

even if we don't believe it

that's why papyrus helps so much

even when he doesn't realize he's doing it

I don't know how he does it. I'm glad he does. I just don't know how he can always stay like that. Even in the worst moments.

He stills forgives me. He still believes in me and Chara.

I don't know what we did to deserve him.

[Sans probably thinks the same thing. It hurts that they can summon the thought so easily, and have so much difficulty banishing it in turn.]

Maybe we won't ever be okay. I don't know.

I don't know if I want to be okay. Do you have to want to be okay to be okay? Do you have to feel like you deserve to be okay to feel okay?

i don't know either.

i mean. he has off days just like anyone.

but he overcomes them.

he just tells himself to be happy and positive and it works

i don't know how

[If Papyrus can do it, why can't Sans? Why can't Frisk and Chara? Why is it so, so hard to be happy and normal?]

none of us deserve him, that's for sure.

and i don't know

i don't think so

sometimes you catch yourself being happy and then remember how uh

not okay you were just a few hours ago or something

i think it just happens

maybe deserving has nothing to do with it

it sure is easy to knock yourself back down with that mindset though

isn't it

[They'd asked him, once. Why is he happy all the time. Why does he get to smile and enjoy himself even though his brother only kills for him, never dies for him, never sacrifices for him. Isn't that what love is? Isn't that what love is supposed to be? Brutal, and painful, and agonizing?

They -

They do this because they love you.

They do this because they care about you.

If you weren't such a horrible child, maybe they wouldn't have to punish you for it, but they love you, you know they do, you know they - ]

Why is it so much easier to hate yourself? Is that just taking an easy way out?

I'm sorry. I know you don't know the answers any more than I do. I guess we just

We all get it. All of us. We all kind of know how it is. So if we're going to be like this, at least we're not alone, right?

That's something, isn't it?

yeah

yeah, i guess it is.

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