determinedest | ic inbox

[A continuing trend: Chara's rosy cheeks going even rosier.

The thing about words like Mom or Dad or friendship: saying it out loud proves you believe it, and therefore makes it scary. Determination gives you the boon of momentum, lets you keep plunging forward without stopping to really think it over, but when you do stop, it's...

...It's really weird, how okay things are, right? After so much time being neck-deep in not-okay, it doesn't feel real or... or allowed? What gives things the right to be okay?]

I didn't... don't go acting like we're, I don't know... we're not - we're not friends.

[So they start to backpedal, to stumble to a clumsy halt. (They didn't stutter like that before they met Frisk, did they? They're good with words.)

But they were... doing pretty good, actually, right? Jokes are... if you can make jokes, it's... not totally ruined. They look away, try to shrug it off, and announce:]

Unless.

Cinnamon or butterscotch. We settle it for real.

We live together and share prank ideas. We totally are.

[There's no denying it, Chara. You said it first.

Frisk's brow furrows briefly at this new conundrum.]

I'd never even tasted butterscotch before I fell Underground!

[They just keep retreating at top speed from the topic of friendship. Brush it aside, shrug it off, catapult it bodily out the window. Not here, nope, never happened. Not getting discussed.

In fact. It was probably just a figment of Frisk's imagination. A trick of the light. A speck of dust in the air made it look like someone might have theoretically said "friendship," but we will never know for certain. Truly.]

You'd never tasted butterscotch? Did you live in a cave and survive off bugs?

[Aw, darn. Maybe Frisk should have recorded this for posterity's sake.

* Now you're smiling for noooo reason!]

I didn't have the best...time before I fell.

[They shrug. Their smile slips for a little bit, but it's not so painful a recollection to scrub the warm feeling from their chest entirely. They don't have to think too hard about it.]

[...Oh. Oh, that's... yeah, that's right.

* Chara looks like they've swallowed something unpleasant.

They'd told Sans, hadn't they? They didn't believe for a single second that a person climbed Mt. Ebott just out of... they don't know. Boredom? Looking for an adventure? Trying to make themselves a hero of a story, like Alphys had done? Boredom doesn't make disappearing seem like the more appealing option. It's a lack of something, a horrible and clawing deprivation, that does that.]

If.

[They back away, sit down on their own bed.]

If you would rather pretend "before I fell" just... just doesn't exist, I won't... you know.

[It takes a bit more effort to pull themselves together after that, a burst of sincerity from both sides of the conversation and a topic neither of them really talk about: the why. Why'd you climb the mountain. Why'd you go to a place where you know people disappear. Why, why, why.

Frisk finally musters up a faint smile, though it's a little sad.]

It's all right. It...it happened. I guess it's better to accept it.

[They don't... like that smile. It's the kind of smile they're already used to, not the kind they're just starting to learn. They smile back, and it's the same kind they're used to wearing.

They know they don't talk about their own "before I fell." That one unhappy reason, the one Asriel was kind enough to not gossip about in detail... that was it. The reason they hated - still hate - humanity so much, the reason they hoard food in their room or their inventory, the reason they hide knives, the reason they... haha, the reason for a thousand unfun things.]

If you... want to do the opposite of not talk about it. Ever, that is.

[About as unwieldy and clumsy of a phrase as possible. They twist their hands, fiddle with the edges of their sleeves.

They have guesses. But only guesses. When Frisk had said they intended to "disappear," was that the childish naive hope that it would just... erase them? Or the stark reality of a sharp drop from a dizzying height? Had they stood at the edge of the abyss and fearlessly toppled forward? Slid over the precipice by accident? Intended to jump, but found the thought of pain, of jumping and dying, of jumping and surviving, so scary that they stopped, over and over and over, until a wayward root caught their foot and the world decided for them?

Possibly for the first time, Chara and Frisk... it... sort of counts as playing, maybe? Chara suggested a prank, and Frisk said Sans will get mad. Chara drops jokes about getting beaten, getting the belt, and they both giggle, neither find it jarring or unexpected. So maybe...?]

Our experiences. They might...

...I never thought Asriel would be capable of understanding. I don't think he should ever have to be capable of understanding. But... I might be capable of understanding you?

I'm not sure if monsters would understand. Wanting to...

[It feels strange to admit it. Everything seemed so oddly happier Underground. The monsters struggled to get by, and there were undeniably tensions, but they seemed more like a community, a family, than any collective of humans Frisk had known on the surface. And Toriel was more of a mother to them than anyone.

"Mom," they called her, and it felt right. A soft white paw ruffling their hair, the crisp smell of fire magic intermingling with the warmth of a rising pie crust. They would have stayed there forever if they could. But on the times that they heeded her words, retreated upstairs to lie in bed, that unknown voice - Asgore's voice? - quietly urged them on. Their journey could not end here. They had to stay determined.

Frisk, and Chara. The two children who fell and perhaps intended to disappear, but found a family instead.]

My reason for falling...wasn't a very happy reason, either.

[* You tell the Lost Soul you have to go if you're going to free everyone.

But Chara knew they weren't being fair, dragging that memory out and prodding and insisting. Never letting Frisk just run away from Toriel's flames and go to their room like a good child. They knew the heartache of calling and calling and calling a number, everywhere you went, every time you just hoped and prayed and wished that someone could make you a little less scared and alone, and never hearing a voice at the other end. They were there to witness that, too.

...More guesses. Frisk calls her Mom effortlessly, and Chara wonders. Are they used to "Mom" being a title they have to keep assigning to a new stranger every so often? Are they just... that desperate for someone who'd take them in and show them love?]

I didn't think it was.

When... monsters show up again. It's gonna be on TV. You're gonna be everywhere. Is someone...

[They don't say "parents." Toriel is Frisk's mom. Full stop. ...Maybe it's not even their place to wonder, to worry about human things like social services and custody. Just... let the ending be perfectly happy. Stop casting cynicism and pessimism over it, stop expecting the worst.]

...Were you trying to escape something, or was it because of something you did not have?

Both, I guess.

[They must've done a better job of blocking all that out than they'd thought. Good enough to obscure it even from Chara. From themselves, sometimes. The reasoning behind it is very simple.

It's because that person wasn't them. Wasn't Frisk. They became Frisk when they made the choice to walk up that mountain, their striped shirt sticking to their back with sweat, their breath puffing out in hot bursts against the chilled air. Walk to the top with their toes balancing over the edge, peering over. They couldn't even see the bottom. Nothing but a sheer drop into inky void. From where they stood, it might have even been a portal into another world. And in a way, it was.]

I guess I decided it wasn't me. With that first SAVE...

[They stretch out a hand, mimicking the motion of forming the golden four-pronged point. The crackling of red leaves underfoot. A new life, a new world, a curious monster who said that she would take care of them. And with the power to SAVE came the knowledge that they did not have to go back. They could not go back prior to that point.]

But I don't know about what happens when we get out.

You worked so hard for the chance to be Frisk again. It's... funny, huh?

[A name that was only recovered at the very last moments of the very last timeline. ...It's not funny at all. LOVE still lurks in them; they think if they decided not to feel guilty about scribbling their name over top of Frisk's, then they wouldn't feel a thing.

They choose to dig for that guilt, and hold it tightly.]

When you say "we," Frisk...

I don't know what happens either. But... I think Sans does. I think he's... seen more timelines than we have.

[Even the end isn't the end, he tells them, and it's enough to make Chara's wavering hold on their overblown emotions crumple like paper. Later, he asks them if this version of them ever got past him. Ha. This version. He sees the Real Knife, and clutches at his chest like he recalls something.]

[Maybe not funny. Weird, though. Ironic? Or is that one of those things people would say is ironic but actually isn't? Frisk is twelve. They have no clue.]

What makes you say that?

[Were there timelines before Frisk made that fateful step-tumble down Mt. Ebott? The other humans, maybe? Or maybe...maybe it has something to do with that memory of the monster that made their eyes and brain hurt, like staring at an uncomfortably bright light for too long.]

I thought...the two of us were the only ones who could - who could do that. Set things back.

It is us, Frisk.

[What Chara refers to, at the very least. There's Flowey, but he seemed to have had his fill of ol' Smiley Trashbag. They know of nothing else that could Reset. Just anomalies. Flowey, Chara, Frisk.]

We... are from the same timeline, right?

["This version." Like maybe they aren't the right Chara at all. Like they're as disposable as the names that summon them.]

Papyrus comes from a timeline where I was in control. Sans does not. We could also be...

[He could be from a "future" point. As much as a word like that can even apply. This version of Chara never got past Sans, but that version of Sans tells them the end isn't the end. That they get past him, but there are still Resets.]

Let me ask. That miserable event aside, do you know what LV20 feels like? Did I ever kill him?

I'm not sure it matters. We still remember everything we did, right?

[Frisk frowns. They still have trouble discussing this so openly, even if they're actively trying to be more transparent about it. They've already tried to tell everyone here the truth, even if it aches to do so.

Pulling their mind back to that time isn't pleasant, but they frown to focus on it. LV 19, inching ever closer. Then Frisk shakes their head.]

I don't think so. I don't think we ever got past him.

It is the same for me. He spared us. We did not come back. We have seen every ending but that one.

I don't think that's the case for him. He's died at my hand before.

[Our hand...? The line between "I" and "we" feels like a dangerous one. They don't want to flirt with it.

And here they pause. They have hinted at their intentions, their plans to bring everything to an absolute and vicious end. But... nobody knows the full extent of their plan. Their idea to shatter every last bit of appeal in repeating the story. To crush the happy ending.]

We are constants across Resets. You're right about that. There is no "other Frisks" like there are "other Sans-es." I... do not know for certain, but I think. If he remembers it. Maybe it's inevitable that we're going to reset.

Even so, I...

[...But surely it would be shooting themselves in the foot to reveal their plan. Isn't Frisk the partner they'd be trying to drag consequences down onto?

They have a lot of very uncertain, contradictory feelings about this.]

I do not know for certain if there is a "we" after you leave Mt. Ebott. But. I think... if you want to continue being Frisk, if you want to keep that happiness...

[Has he? Frisk's heart thuds sickeningly at the thought. Briefly, they strain to remember anything, any version of that encounter in the gold-tinted hall that ended in his death...and come up with nothing. They never saw it happen. But he's a version of him who did.]

What? I have to let you just...fade away?

[With this new, tentative friendship thing happening between them, Frisk isn't sure whether they can put that one down to selflessness or Chara's own crushing desire to just stop being.]

We don't know if that's how it works. We haven't gone that far.

[It is... useless to talk about this, isn't it? If every timeline is connected to the same root, then... it's basically already happened. Even if they spill their guts here, everything gets wiped when they all return home. True Reset, a kind so powerful that Chara doesn't get to override it. They'll return to the Underground, they'll find out how it works, but they certainly won't be friends.]

I had already faded away before you came knocking on my grave, hadn't I?

[Why did they ever use a word like friendship to begin with? They know that eventually, they'll ERASE the world. If Sans is to be trusted, then they will also bring it back. And there's only one thing tempting enough to convince them to reset, right?

The Frisk that was born, more or less, on Mt. Ebott. Who has a Mom. Who has friends. Who has a name. They'll ERASE that instead. Won't they? Chara smiles, folds their hands. Stares down at the neatly interlocking fingers, counts the scars.]

...You will never have what Wonderland gives you back home, you know. You'll go back, and any notions of fondness will have been undone. I won't be conveniently set into a body of my own that will shed dramatic tears with you. I will be empty, and I will be bitter, hateful, dissatisfied.

So?

[There's that barrier, that distance, withdrawing again. The smile. The flat, matter-of-fact-ness in their tone. It's all familiar. Bitterly so.

They'd thought they were past this, but then - it doesn't work like that. It doesn't progress in a straight line. There'll be bumps, slides, obstructions in the road. It's their job to circumvent that the best they can.]

Who says we can't get to this point again? Who says we haven't before?

We don't know what happens after the end. What could happen.

Frisk. Does it not occur to you that ambition is a dangerous thing? You have the chance to be happy, if you just content yourself with your own happiness. If you do not convince yourself you can save everyone.

[We can do it, Asriel. We can free everyone.]

You could satisfy yourself with knowing we were...

[They don't want to say it again. Not in a context where it surely isn't joking around.]

With knowing that in one timeline, for just a little while, we were... whatever this is. Accept what you are given. You might risk losing something far more important if you continue to think you can tailor the world into something even more perfect.

Aren't you scared of that?

And if we forget?

[If they could remember this, they might be content with that. Or that might simply make them more determined to hold onto this, and ensure that Chara doesn't just fade from everyone's heads and hearts and SOULs.]

If there's even the remotest chance that you might be able to be happy on the surface, why wouldn't I want to make that happen?

[Why wouldn't they endeavor to reach that? So much of Frisk's self is reliant on the people they love and care for. To just let someone they've grown to know so well fade away? That seems somehow contradictory to everything they are.]

[It's... Chara doesn't know what this is. The more LOVE they stack on, the more elusive and incomprehensible emotions feel. The harder it is to pin names to things they had forgotten a long time ago. They know anger pretty well. Are they angry? They think they feel ready to argue.

But they don't know how to argue without laying bare what happens after they ERASE, if all goes according to plan. Turning each timeline into a punishment, depriving Frisk of love completely, eradicating them from the story. They know it boils down to a "it's me or you" ultimatum, and they dread how Frisk might answer it.

Oh well. Don't really need to talk about it, anyway. While they're here, none of it matters. Can't ERASE Wonderland or claim any SOULs here! They've already got something beating inside of them!]

If you can remember anything at all from this place... do whatever nauseating Pollyanna thing you must, but. At the very least. Try to move forward while you do it. Don't Reset, even if you fail. I'll make you suffer in ways you have yet to even dream of if you Reset. That is not an idle threat, it is a warning of an inevitable outcome.

I don't want to RESET. I don't want to put you or...or anyone else through that again.

[They only realize it's true after they say it. They've put all their friends, everyone they've come to know and love, through enough. They've put Chara and Asriel through enough. If that was the happiest outcome, then monsters deserve to go free, not be kept in darkness for Frisk's own personal amusement.]

But if I forget everything...how do I know I won't think I can fix things again? Make things...better?

[There's an undercurrent of anger to the word, frustration at their own self's blind insistence that they can singlehandedly make all life better or worse for monsters. That Frisk somehow know how best to do that.]

[They hesitate, trying to shape their answer carefully.

They still don't know how to hope. Can't really bring themselves to just trust in Frisk and think trust is enough to overcome anything at all. They don't know that the temptation won't rise. They don't know that they'll be the arguing voice, mocking and calling them out for insisting the world is just a playground they can shape for themself, sculpt and nudge and ply until every answer is perfect and everyone loves them as much as possible.

Maybe they'll have given up so thoroughly they'll be the temptation. Maybe they'll be what whispers that it can't hurt to try one more time, to see the one ending that still has yet to be seen. You already know how to get this ending, right? You can just go back and get it again, once you've seen what there is to see. Nobody will ever have to know what you've done. Things can be right back to normal.]

...We don't know. We really don't know at all.

[Chara is a memory, in every sense of the word. A footnote, a mumbled aside, more of a prop than a character in the story. But they are also the one who remembers. Who does not let their knowledge ever be RESET away. Could they be blasé, tell Frisk to leave the hard work to them, let them find a way to tap into a determination so strong it remembers Wonderland, or find an erasure so absolute they never come back and lend Frisk the extra bit of power to send things dialing back again?

They don't think so.]

Toriel. Asgore. Undyne. Sans. They couldn't remember, but they still... knew some things. We've never been on that side of a RESET before, but maybe you could, too. Even if it's only a gut feeling.

There has to be something here important enough that it can survive the trip back. Or... what's even the point, right? Why are we here at all?

I don't know.

[And they guess they won't know unless it happens. Determination can do a lot of things. But it can't alter the course of the way things have already happened. Frisk can roll back their own timeline all they want, but Chara will still be dead. Asriel will still be a flower. They'll still fail to remember everything they've lived through here. Apologizing to Sans, to Alphys, to Undyne. Explaining the nature of the SAVE, promising that they were still friends no matter what.

Will that all cease to matter? They'll all forget too, when they go back. It'll be like it never happened. Just a lone human with the weight of an entire world on their shoulders and the fragment of a fallen child's SOUL in their heart.]

I guess we'll only know if...when we go back.

[They can't just be gone from the Underground forever, can they. That might be too much to ask.]

...I don't want to forget.

Neither do I.

[They don't want to forget. They don't want to be forgotten. They don't want to be the hateful, unwelcome threat Sans thought they were, Asriel thought they were, that... even Frisk, surely, must have thought they were. How ridiculous, to be so eager to prove them all right, yet so reluctant to prove that you really are the very worst thing you could possibly be.

God, they're tired of their helplessness. The inability to really change anything, to actually have permanence. Consequence. No ending to that story, not a single one, lets them make up for what they did to Asriel. To their parents. To the whole Underground. None of those routes have room for an "I forgive you" or an "I understand." There's no reset out there powerful enough to let Chara undo their mistakes.

Same here, huh? Even if they change their mind about clawing a SOUL into their possession, that resolve will be erased. Don't bother getting attached, don't bother hoping.]

...We deserve this, don't we. Trying to be happy, but knowing we'll just forget everything we let ourselves be invested in.

[The universe itself is smiling and throwing its arms open, whispering c'mere, pal. And it's more punishment, it's more proof there's no forgiveness anywhere, but it's... it's really not unjustified.]

What a shame that not remembering is so crucial. We'd probably find the irony of it hilarious, if we did. A taste of our own bitter medicine!

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject