determinedest | ic inbox

[* But nobody came.]

[Guess they never really learned how to QUIT.]

I don't think you understand that punishing yourself for what happened isn't going to make anyone feel better.

[* But nobody came.]

[But you kept calling for help.]

I know I must have done something wrong. I must have done a lot wrong to get you to hate me like this. If what you say is true anyway and I hurt you that badly.

I guess I must have hurt everyone else too. Everyone else left the same time you did.

You complicated things though. I guess you tend to do that.

I can't die because then you'd just follow me. You don't deserve that. You're the only good thing I haven't made bad yet.

I'll have to find another way.

Chara...have you ever thought of a world where everything is exactly the same, except you don't exist?

I have.

If you really want nothing to do with me, if you really think that we're safer not knowing each other, then

I'll have to make sure I can never come back. I'll have to make sure I can go where you can't follow. Orpheus will have to fail to bring back Eurydice, and then he'll have to forget he ever loved Eurydice at all.

He'll have to forget Eurydice existed.

Everything will function perfectly without her.

This isn't anyone's choice but mine.

And if you're still set on believing that you're to blame for all this at least it won't matter. Not if I do this right. It will take time and work, but at least this way I won't ever hurt anyone again. Not even you.

It will be okay though. Another Frisk will fall down. A better one.

And you say you don't care anyway, so you won't tell anyone about this. I'm glad I can confide in you, Chara.

You are a great Partner.

Stay determined, Chara.

I'll fix the problem.

You disgusting animal!

I can't believe you're trying to do this. Threatening to erase yourself if I don't do as you say. Making ultimatums for my attention. Are you that eager to break another promise?

[You little ingrate. We'll throw you into the streets if you don't start listening to your parents. Stop that crying. You want me to drive this car right off a bridge?

A mother whose doesn't love her is a failure! I might as well just die! That's what you want, Chara, isn't it? You're driving mommy to hang herself!

It works, too. It always works. They always have control. They control what Chara feels, because what they think they feel is inconvenient and unpalatable. They don't allow Chara to say no. They don't allow Chara to say "I don't like this." They hate it. They hate it! They refuse to be controlled!]

Even I - the most sickeningly manipulative, selfish creature in the entire Underground - even I never sank so low as to tell Asriel "if you don't forgive me, I'll kill myself." You loathsome, horrible hypocrite.

Edited 2016-12-15 06:30 (UTC)

[Ha ha...ha.

Well, it's nothing they haven't heard before. And look at that. See, Chara? You aren't the worst person out there. You aren't the most manipulative or selfish creature out there.

Frisk is there to make sure you never feel like you're lower than they are.

Their voice, by contrast, is utterly calm.]

I'm fixing the problem. All I've done is hurt you and everyone else. I'm making things worse just by being here and...

You don't have to do anything, Chara. You don't have to worry. I told you.

This isn't anyone's choice but mine.

[They want to scream. They feel like they're losing their mind. They can't stop hurting people! They try everything, they go closer, they back off, they go quiet, they go loud, and it still - it's still this! Everything that happened - their vile magic almost erasing Frisk, the way they'd begged for death, the terrifying unknown of the DT Extractor, the hollowness that culminated in Frisk dying - it all... the whole thing that scared them off was the mark they'd left on Frisk's life driving them to ruin. And now it's just this! Them driving Frisk to ruin all over again! "It wasn't your fault," Frisk lies, but now look! Frisk's running headlong toward ruin again, and it's all because of Chara! All for Chara's sake! What Chara wants, right? Fixing Chara's problem. That's all Chara ever wants, right? To kill, to destroy, to poison.

Their throat feels tight, constricted by the crushing need to escape. To get out of this, to run, to rip themself right out of reality, because reality is nothing but being backed into a bleak, terrifying corner. Their eyes burn and their head spins and they think they might throw up but big kids don't cry, big kids don't cry, they are functional and composed and pleasing to look at and nothing will shake them from it.]

I'll - I'll tell. I'll tell everyone, and they'll stop you. You know they will. I'll tell Sans and Alphys you're going to make them relive all of - everything about -

[Their mind is a spinning, eroding calamity. Can't grasp the name, can't even begin to come close to considering thinking about a name.]

They've already relived it, Chara. I already made them suffer for that enough.

[They'd begged Sans. Begged him, please, just finish it. But no. He had to build the Extractor with Alphys, and they took his world and tore it apart, proved to him that it was nothing more than a series of images, of files stacked atop each other. If they ERASE that, will he forget?

They hope so.]

I asked Sans to do it the first time, but he wouldn't. He said he wouldn't. No one else is going to, so I...

[They sound tired. They are tired. They've had miles to go, and now they're feeling like they're about to collapse at any second. And they need something, some end, some goal they can reach, some final hurdle for them to clear. If they don't have something to strive for, they can't really be determined at all, can they?]

You know how it is. It's okay, Chara. I've wanted this for a...a really long time. Ever since I learned about it. I know it doesn't mean much, saying that I promise, but I do. I promise that it's not your fault. It's me. It's always been me.

So...please. Please don't think about this anymore.

[They can't take this. They can't. Can't make it stop, can't find a respite, can't rest for a second. Can't get away from the hurt they keep driving people to. It's not enough that everything reminds them of Frisk. Can't go outside, because they're waiting at the door. Messages from them igniting their phone every day. Several times a day, in fact! Being quiet doesn't get them a break. Asking to stop gets this. They're killing Frisk. They're killing Frisk, as surely as if they had their hands around that fragile red SOUL and tried to tear it apart with their bare fingers.

They were fine without Chara. They were. Relieved to be alone with their thoughts. Convinced that uninvited presence had just gone to rest or something. Found being around Chara a responsibility, a burden - just there to keep an eye on their consequence! They were fine and Chara ruined it, turned it into this, and now they can't tug their parasitic roots out of this tangle.]

I can still follow you. I know more than y- more than you do about - about it.

[Maybe they've been stabbed again. They can't draw a proper breath anymore. Their voice is high and strained and horrible, but look at what you've done, Chara, look at what you've reduced to ash. They'd given up on the CORE until you did this!]

Your promise means nothing, but I'm keeping mine.

[It's not spoken as calmly or gravely as Chara would like, it's choked out. Interrupted by shallow, frantic breaths. Frisk is going to vanish, because that's obviously what Chara wants. Because Chara wouldn't be a good child. To solve Chara's problem. Frisk is going to vanish. If you really want nothing to do with me, I'll have to make sure I can never come back. And you say you don't care anyway, so you won't tell anyone about this. I'm glad I can confide in you, Chara.

They're - they - oh, they're on the floor. They don't remember the descent from proper and upright and frantically pacing like a caged animal but somehow they blinked from up to on the floor and air won't come and air won't come big kids don't cry but air won't come the phone hit the floor too skittered out of their hand somewhere but they shrink into themself and pray reality will smite them away from all of this will just make this end god please.]

Edited (i hate using the same word twice in a sentence lol) 2016-12-15 07:23 (UTC)

[Look at this. Look at what they've messed up again. Hurt them so badly, and they're not sounding very okay at all. They'll have to make this better. Fix it.

...don't know how.]

You can't keep a promise if you don't ever remember making it.

[It's not a reassurance. It's not very much of a reassurance at all, is it? It's okay, Chara. You won't ever remember being this unhappy. They'll make sure you never remember. They'll be sure to get there before you do. They'll be sure to make it all unfold before you do.

It won't fix anything at the moment. Chara's hurting all over again. They shouldn't have even told them. Should have just disappeared all on their own, nice and quiet. Telling people gets them suspicious. Toriel got suspicious.

But Toriel knows now. If one of us goes, so does the other. So if it doesn't work out...

There's Sans. There's Toriel. There's a lot of people that care about them. A lot of people who will make sure they get through it.]

Please breathe. Please. It's going to be okay.

[Oh. And there's...there's a book at their side. They never really put it away. They open it up, and read aloud, quietly. A soft trail of words that might be enough to ground Chara back into reality and make them feel okay again. For a little while.]

"Yes, Yuichi, in this world there are all kinds of people. There are people who choose to live their lives in filth; this is hard for me to understand. People who purposely do abhorrent things, just for the attention it draws to them, until they themselves are trapped."

[Is this working? Is this merely perverting something beautiful that Chara once loved? Getting Frisk's stupid and grimy fingerprints all over it? The words are articulate, cold and clear. They fall a little too close to the SOUL, if Frisk is honest. This is...precisely what they're doing.

...if everything works out, they won't have to remember Frisk doing this to them at all.]

"I cannot understand it, and no matter how much they suffer I cannot feel pity for them."

[Feels like they're dying. Wish they were dying. Anything to get away from this, anything to hide from it for just a little while. Wants to laugh, it wants to scream, it - big kids don't cry, they haven't cried yet, they won't cry - it can't do anything but try to beat its clenched throat into submission, force this wretched useless body to behave somehow, shout it into stopping this, put it on its leash.

Frisk's voice is distant and muffled, somewhere over to their left where the phone fell. Wouldn't be able to make out the words, but it knows that it has heard these words before.

Are they... is this punishment? You're doing this on purpose, Chara, doing it for attention. Don't deserve pity for these theatrics you've brought onto yourself. Do you? Even the things you love can condemn you. Should condemn you. You're going to have even more blood on your filthy, rotted hands. You're going to kill Frisk. You're driving them to this. They're going to disappear. They're never going to be happy.

Chara tries to spit out that they're a memory, that no True Reset can wipe them away - they know of the man who speaks in hands, after all, and doesn't Frisk claim the only reason they know things like that too is because of Chara's influence bleeding into them? Chara tries to repeat that they'll tell, that they're going to make sure everyone stops this from happening. Chara tries to shriek for them to stop this, stop it right now, they can't bear this.

Chara can't speak. Wrestles for breath. Too disastrous to put words together, no matter how urgent or distressed. It gropes frantically for the fallen phone. Tries, tries again, can't.

They hang up.]

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