determinedest | ic inbox

[Crybaby.

Chara sets the plate down on Frisk's bed. Hesitates. Stands awkwardly there for a beat, fiddling with the ends of their pyjama sleeves. ...Sits down on the edge of Frisk's bed. In a very tense kind of way, one that's barely putting any weight on it, just in case Frisk wants them to get off and get lost.]

Did you hear the one about the kid who ate pie with their bare hands? They were being very impielite.

[Heard it before. Not funny. They... don't know what else to say. They ask themselves what Frisk would say, and almost laugh out loud at the absurd irony of trying to tell Frisk what they think Frisk would tell Frisk.]

...It is scary, isn't it?

kid i

[No. No, he can't just type out the first thing that comes to his head. Can't half-ass this. Can't mess this up.]

[Step back, think, take a second, say the right thing. He doesn't know how to be the stable one, the anchor, but he has to...]

[Heh. "Try."]

[It takes several minutes for him to form a coherent reply.]

so...i gotta apologize in advance. i'm not good at this, and this is gonna get kinda wordy. but i got stuff to tell you and i wanna get it right.

you know, doing bad stuff, even really bad stuff, it doesn't mean you can't be forgiven. you regret those timelines. i know you do. that's a pretty big step all on its own. but you've tried to make up for it, too. and you wouldn't even really have to. because, you know...no one remembers. if you go reset or reload and fix something, it's like the mistake or the bad thing never even happened. at least, it would be easy to think that way, right? it'd be easy to think you're above consequences.

but you don't. you own your mistakes. even the things that weren't mistakes, you own them and regret them and accept responsibility. and you try to fix things. and that's actually...really rare. the fact that you're doing any of that is really important, frisk. it's kind of proof that...maybe i was wrong. that maybe papyrus was right. that people can change. and it's why i say that the current timeline is the only one that really matters. the current you is a good person who tries to be a better person. i can't judge you for anything you did in past timelines. no one can.

and for what it's worth, i think you can make it okay with toriel. it might take a long time. i think the important thing is just to...try. and keep trying. maybe that's what all that determination should be for. not trying to go back and fix things, but...trying to keep moving forward. that's probably real hypocritical coming from me, but you're...a strong, stubborn kid. facing things and finding the best way to get through them is kinda what you do. it just...sucks. and it's okay if it sucks. maybe you don't have to be determined all the time. it's okay to sit and take a break and not be okay for awhile.

you just...can't be like me, alright? you can't...you know. give up and not try at all. accept that "sans okay" is gonna be he the only okay you ever are.

anyway, uh...my thumbs are starting to get tired, so...i hope any of that made sense.

i'm rooting for you frisk.

[Frisk makes a peculiar sniffling-huffing sound that might be mistaken for a laugh, if one were optimistic, which neither of them are, so they don't know why they even try. Why even try? Ha-ha. Ha.

But the effort means something.]

Y-yeah. I guess I'm...afraid to even pretend that she might...

[It's pie. It's butterscotch and cinnamon and Home and Mom and warm flames stirring up ash in the hearth and playfully crinkling through red leaves and a smell that reminds Asgore of his wife and his child.

It's a reminder that Toriel doesn't and probably won't ever trust them. Not while she's from that horrible mistake of a timeline.

Frisk sniffs again, scrubs at their nose with their sleeve.]

I - it's stupid. I should be happy. I'm glad you have your mom back, Chara.

[Can't hold onto your hopes effortlessly every time. Sometimes even just hoping is an intimidating prospect. If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed when that's exactly what you keep getting.

...It worries them. It's not... this isn't how it's supposed to be.]

What about you, Frisk? I've had all the time in the world to adjust. I stopped needing love a long time ago. But you...

[They're the one who said they miss Toriel. They're the one who can call her Mom and have it be the most effortless, right thing in the entire world. They're the one who can feel like they actually belong after just... just a day, the same day looping over and over.]

I think it'd be really weird if you were happy, actually. I'd be kinda unnerved if you were happy.

[Don't wonder too hard when he doesn't respond right away. What's it matter? He probably got bored or gave up or fell asleep. They don't hold it against him. They feel the same.

They don't expect what they get. They don't know what to do with the limp fluttering feeling in their SOUL. They don't feel very determined.

But maybe they feel comforted.

For a long time, they don't know what to say back.]

Is this you keeping your promise?

[They almost say that they don't deserve it. But...after that, it feels wrong.]

I don't think it'll always be enough. Just facing things head-on. But I guess it's not supposed to be. I don't think she's ever going to trust me. I don't think she should. I guess it's time to deal with things the way everyone else does. Right?

I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of it.

Thanks.

She's your mom too.

It's not your responsibility to never ever mess up. You did do the right thing eventually. And we both know it wasn't all you. Like I don't want to throw Chara under the bus, but this isn't fair to either of you.

No. It's not about me.

[Keep telling themselves that, hah. They shake their head once, even if their heart's not really in it. They die. They come back. Things change. Nothing stays the same in Wonderland, not like it did Underground. Things are allowed to exist outside of perpetual stasis. It's in their nature.]

You need love, too. And you...you finally have it. I mean, I, I love you, you know that, but - she loves you too. She always will, no matter what.

[The smile hurts, a peaked, weak, uncertain thing.]

Besides. It's about time I started paying attention to the consequences, right?

They feel really alone, though. I have all the monsters for friends, but they feel like they have no one. Or that they shouldn't have anyone.

This is the one person that's going to love them unconditionally. I don't have a right to ruin that.

["I love you" feels like the last thing they'd ever call themselves ready to hear. They look... a little devastated? It's alarming enough, to be faced with a tsunami of unconditional love and forgiveness that feels... that feels too good to even be real? The idea that Frisk could possibly love them when they're actively hurting Frisk now, when it's their fault Frisk is being deprived of something they need...? It's too scary. It's more than Chara can take.

They swallow. Decide not to think about it. Keep it at arm's length.]

This isn't justice. This isn't fair or balanced. This is... this is just you being a scapegoat for what I did.

[It feels... ingrateful, somehow? They have love! Love's supposed to fix it! They should be happy! But... different standards being applied to them. Being an exception. It still... they're not above consequences, either.]

I'm making it about you, Frisk. We're... partners, aren't we? It's not right if one of us gets all the good and one of us gets all the bad. I don't need love, and I especially don't need it if I'm just stealing it away from you. You don't... have to pretend to be happy for my sake. It won't make this make sense, or feel better, or... or whatever.

You're not stealing. You're...

["You were there first," they want to say. But that's first-grader logic. And it doesn't mean anything.]

What would you have instead, then? You being the scapegoat instead of me?

[Frisk shakes their head ruefully.]

My actions have consequences. I...have to accept that. Everyone else is still my friend, even after I told them what I did. I should've - I should've expected this. You need someone too.

I don't need anyone!

[They snap it, and feel stupid the very second they do so. They're still just parroting someone else, but that just makes it even dumber, because when Asriel said it, he didn't mean it at all. They do. They... hm.

They're just... arguing, aren't they? Turning it into a fight instead of helping. They bite their lip, twist the ends of their sleeves.]

This... this wasn't...

[What they wanted?

But the end won't really be the end. They'll get past Sans, they'll bring the consequences crashing down around their partner. If even that isn't enough, if even that won't stop the loops... then they'll claim something, and they'll steal that happy ending away from Frisk for good.

They twist their sleeves harder, tug and scrunch the fabric like they wish it was their own skin instead.]

...You're just a kid, and your mom hurt you.

You're just a kid. And I hurt her too.

[They should've expected that kind of reaction. And maybe a part of them did, because they hardly flinch, or react much at all. Just pluck idly at the edge of their sheets. They've been sleeping, and just generally been horizontal, more than they tend to usually. It's strange how exhausting that can be.]

She has a right to be mad. She has a right to be hurt, or scared, or angry, or whatever.

[Morbidly, they again can't help but wonder which horrible death they inflicted upon her. The one where they spared her until the last moment, or the one where they simply cut her down? They could probably ask. It's not like they could damage their relationship with Toriel any further.]

ha. maybe it is. for once.

[And maybe it's too little too late, but...well, he cares too much about Frisk not to at least put in a tiny bit of effort. Maybe even a tiny bit more than the usual bare minimum.]

yeah. it's...tough. no point in pretending it isn't. but yeah. and you know, like i said. it's okay to take a break. i think if there's one thing you definitely deserve, it's a break.

and nah. don't worry about me.

and...sorry again about turning you blue like that. i know it's a real unpleasant feeling. just wanted to get you out of the way in case she was serious.

It's okay. I didn't expect her to do that, and it's good you were there to keep things from
getting worse. The last thing she needed to see was me coming at her like that.

[It wasn't a good feeling, that sensation of being flung back. Too reminiscent of horrible battles and seeing golden tiles through his ribs. But they know he didn't have a lot of choice. Unfortunately. For a monster that eschews unnecessary movement, they know from experience that he can move fast when the situation absolutely requires it.]

You and Chara seem to be doing better. Are you two

[Well, "friends" might be a bit too optimistic]

getting along more?

...She does.

[Would be stupid to pretend otherwise. It makes this harder. Adds one more thing to feel guilty over. They shift their weight a little, look at Frisk. Hesitate. Seems like the more they let themselves care, the more they hesitate. They're not sure that's a good thing. They sort of miss the unattached momentum, miss behind held back by nothing at all. Wouldn't have to feel guilty if they had never let themselves care about anyone.]

And you? Are you hurt, scared, angry?

[Frisk smiles, sad and halfhearted.]

Does it matter? We're good at pretending otherwise.

[Flat expression, or an insincere, serene smile. Either way, emotions get blanketed under that mask, and everyone can go on and pretend like everything's all right even if it's not, really.]

I'm the one with the special power. I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences, right?

[Does it matter? Anger, they know, is bad. Do they have the right to be sad if this is what they deserve? They fight with Frisk, they say they're relieved Frisk got angry, but they cannot begin to articulate why. They still don't know if they're encouraging something wrong.]

It matters to me.

[Whether that makes it important or good or... whatever, they're not so sure.]

We're the ones with the special power. The first bit of guidance this world supplied to me... you understand it, do you not?

[Maybe it would hurt to admit it to anyone else. Chara...Chara's their friend. Chara knows what it's like to be in their head more than anyone. Ha, literally. It matters to them. It matters to them if Frisk is happy or sad or dying or dead, even if they'll still insist that nothing really matters, except when it does.]

Wouldn't this have happened anyway, eventually? Any one of the monsters from our world - they could've all been from one of those times. They could've all hated me, and they'd've all been right to.

[It hurts.

It's supposed to.]

You have your mom back. That's what's important.

That doesn't mean...

[They're supposed to be good with words. Always talking. Persuasive and cunning. Why are they struggling so much now?]

At least they'd have hated us both.

[That's not comforting.]

You... you missed her, not me. You're supposed to have someone safe too.

...Nobody else really knows what it was like when we were... us. If we both told her that I had total control, and you couldn't do anything... she'd believe it, maybe.

That's not true, though.

[Throwing Chara under the bus for the sake of pretending that everything's okay isn't a viable option either. They're not willing to pretend even to themselves that they can pin all the bad on Chara, that the Frisk they present to the world is always perfect and never regressed due to their own curiosity. That would be a lie.]

...it wouldn't work, anyway. She saw me cut her down. That doesn't just go away. You know that.

[For the same reason Sans had to ask before giving them a hug. The same reason they shudder at the memories of Papyrus's head leaving his body, or Undyne's eye flashing with a silvery spear-shaped light.]

Yeah. I know.

[Subdued, a little defeated. They... don't know what trying looks like, in this case. What they should be doing. They want to point out that they're prepared to suffer, that they've always accepted having nothing and nobody, that they practically revel in it. That it's okay if it's them. They've already erased themselves, right?

But... it's also kind of hypocrisy, isn't it? To tell Frisk not to accept this in the same breath they keep pushing that they're the one who should accept it. To tell Frisk that actions have consequences, then be so unhappy about the consequences being so different for the two of them.]

It just... you're the only reason I have any kind of future at all, right? I don't... want one you're left out of.

[Frisk smiles faintly, touched despite themselves. They sit up a little straighter, and draw the plate closer to themselves. They don't have a fork, but that doesn't really matter. Not when they can tell a joke about a kid who ate pie with their bare hands.

Just...just to try it. They dip the tip of their pinky into the top of the filling, whisking off just a fraction of the stuff. It feels just like Toriel's pies should. Firm, but still gooey.

They don't even realize the heat prickling at the corners of their again when they taste it. Tastes like home. Tastes like Home. Tastes like a mistake that they're making, opening themselves up to inevitable disappointment like this.]

It doesn't mean that. It just means...I'll have to work a little harder to get that future, I guess.

Do you really think they'd want that?

Also the definition of unconditional is literally without condition so if it's really unconditional you won't be able to ruin it.

She doesn't know about what happened after her child died. Chara died. She had to bury them. She had to carry their body all the way back from the capital to the Ruins.

You think I'm going to tell her the truth? That her kid was with me the whole time when I killed her and everything else? That she'd even believe me? I don't even believe me. I don't know who was in control anymore. I never did.

She's happy. They're happy. That's what matters. It's not a lie.

What's the point in making things worse

you couldn't have predicted it. i just didn't want to see you

[Die. Again.]

get hurt or anything

and actually...kinda? feel like we understand each other more. there's stuff we agree on that ends up being more important than the stuff we disagree on.

[Like that they need to look after Frisk.]

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